Hearts at Home

Your duties will be varied.  They will include, but are not limited to:  nutritionist, cook, nurse, counselor, handywoman, plumber, small electrics repairperson, veterinarian, librarian, teacher, homework assistant, spiritual adviser, yard and playground supervisor, coach, chauffeur, cleaning person, seamstress, interior designer and decorator, laundress, schedule coordinator, financier, family purchasing agent, entertainer, holiday party planner, landscape designer, gardener, personal shopper, recreation director, accountant, and equipment procurement and maintenance.

As you can see, there is a good opportunity to use different skills here, although usually you will not need more than half of them on any given day.

Your specific duties and responsibilities include such things as training your children to say please and thank you, brush their teeth, set the table, write thank you notes, and put their clothes in the hamper.  Among other things, you will have to convince them that it is in their best interest to do their homework, listen to their father, eat green vegetables, obey their teachers, and not sass back.

You will not be required to wear a uniform on the job, although you may find an apron helpful in protecting your clothing.  There is no guaranteed vacation time, although some moms take very long bubble baths when they can.  Moms are not supposed to get sick until everyone else has had a turn.

Usually at this point in the interview, I ask if you are still interested in the position.  Yes, it is rather daunting, but we find most of our applicants find the challenge exhilarating.

Good, then; I'm glad you would like to hear more.  I'll continue by telling you a bit about the qualifications we look for.

While a good education is an asset, it is not essential; a willingness to learn is even more important.  A mom who is willing to learn sets a good example for her children.  We do provide a training manual which you will be expected to study and put into practice.

We look for women who smile appropriately and have a good sense of humor.  Children are reassured when moms can smile and laugh even in stressful situations.  It reflects a certain confidence, which translates to a secure feeling for the child.

We also look for the ability to multi-task:  if a woman cannot answer the telephone, load the washing machine, and discipline a child with a lifted eyebrow at the same time, she will have a difficult time coping with the demands of the position.

Because moms set both examples and standards, integrity and common sense are quite important; we find in the end that children are the ones who suffer most if those qualities are lacking.

Imagination and creativity are considered in an applicant's favor.  Intelligence and curiosity are helpful, as are physical strength and stamina.  However, we have had moms who have been successful even when they lacked one or more of these attributes.

The one thing upon which we insist is a capacity to give and receive love, or a willingness to learn.  There is a chapter in our training manual, 1 Corinthians 13, which explains this requirement.  Most of our applicants find it helpful to study this in detail.

I would be glad at this time to answer any questions you might have about this position.

Did I forget to tell you most of our moms begin their careers by giving birth?  It is an involved process, I admit, but in the long run we have had good results doing things this way.  Most of our mothers find that, once the child is born, they forget the distress of it in their joy.

We also have a sizable number of wonderful moms who become mothers through adoption, while others become moms when they become step-mothers.  Of course, some people still do hold that wicked step-mother stereotype, but all in all we find that a woman who is determined to be a successful mom will be a successful mom, no matter how she came to be a mother.  Some of our best loved moms are step-moms.

Yes, I suppose I have neglected salary issues; I regret to tell you our rewards usually are not financial.   Various plans for compensation have been proposed, but there are a great many problems in implementation.  I would not count on anything happening there in the near future.

We do offer a great many intangible benefits.  You will be challenged to grow in ways you cannot imagine today.  Your patience, your understanding, and your collection of knock-knock jokes will all be increased.  You can expect to receive joy at a baby's first smile, delight from a dandelion bouquet, PB&J kisses -- in other words, the satisfaction of a unique kind of love given and returned.

In addition, you have our Word that support from the Home Office is only a prayer away.  And we do offer at least one delightful retirement benefit:  grandchildren.  Most of our moms find them to be more than adequate compensation for their labor.

You're interested in the position?  Splendid.  I'm sure any difficulties you encounter will be temporary, while the satisfactions of your new position have the potential to be eternally gratifying.  Please, feel free to call on me if you have any questions about your new position.  I offer you my best blessings as you begin.

Holly Schurter is wife to John and mom of eight, grandma of ten, and a volunteer with Hearts at Home on the publications team as well as the radio team. She works as a free-lance writer, and in her spare time likes to read, bake, and play in the garden. 

Originally published on March 21, 2000 in The Pantagraph.