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 In-laws. You can't live with them. You can't live without them.
Whether or not you possess a great or less-than-great relationship with your in-laws, friction is bound to happen during your marriage. It may be over how to celebrate the holidays or whose children the grandparents seem to favor, but it will happen. Also, if any parental divorces or remarriages occur in the extended family, potential conflicts will only intensify.
Probably the majority of the friction between parents and their married children involves the clashing of different family values. For when a man and woman decide to marry, they bring into the marriage dissimilar, often-competing family cultures.
For example, his family dines in front of the TV. Her family feasts in the formal dining room. His family pays cash. Her family mantra is "Charge it!" His family celebrates birthdays by sending a card. Her family celebrates birthdays with an extravaganza.
The Clash of the Family Cultures
Obviously when this couple marries, their family cultures will clash. When each spouse brings into their marriage all of their family culture and then expects it to fit perfectly with their spouse's family culture, either sparks will fly or unfair value judgments will be made. This kind of discord can create friction within the marriage and with the in-laws.
During our pre-marital counseling sessions, the pastor who performed our marriage ceremony offered my husband and me some sage advice. He told us that the biblical directive to "leave father and mother" and cleave to your spouse remained one of the best indicators of marital success.
He stated that many couples attempt to establish a marriage without ever really leaving their family of origin. Then he joked that it can get pretty crowded in a newlywed's home with the "presence" of both sets of parents "telling" each adult child how to live.
For a marriage to succeed, it takes an abundant amount of love, patience, compromise, and commitment to work out all these family cultural differences. Each spouse must be willing to change for the good of the marriage.
However, your in-laws and your own parents do not need to change after the wedding ceremony. Many times they do not want to change. Also, expecting them to change only causes more friction and discord.
Living in a "Foreign" Family Culture
One of the best ways to foster harmony within your marriage and with your in-laws involves learning to live and function in a "foreign" culture. In other words, become a student of your spouse's family culture.
Learn everything you can without intruding into your in-laws' privacy. Watch and listen. Ask questions. Demonstrate to them in concrete ways that you value their contribution to the family. Then, use that knowledge when you interact with them.
For example, God blessed me with great in-laws, but I really did not know much about their history. So I began asking them questions about their childhood in order to pass down their stories to our children. Soon I knew more about my in-laws then my husband ever knew about his own parents.
Even if you have been married for decades, there are still lessons to be learned from your spouse's family - -especially if your in-laws are aging or in poor health. Now is the time to bridge any gap that may exist between the generations before that opportunity slips away.
Annoying vs. Evil
Yet, some relationships with in-laws cannot easily be fixed with an afternoon of looking through family photographs. Some pain caused by in-laws goes too deep for words. Some anger against them is justified.
To cite radio talk-host, Dr. Laura Schlessinger, when adult children deal with parents or in-laws determine first if the friction-causing behavior is annoying or evil. For instance, your in-laws always tell you to visit more often or remark on the cleanliness of your house. This kind of behavior is simply annoying.
Annoying behavior encompasses the majority of friction with in-laws. Deal with this kind of friction with politeness and perhaps limited visits.
In-Laws "Outlawish" Behavior
However, sometimes in-laws do evil acts that can undermine the entire family. My grandfather asked his three children to choose between my grandmother and him when they divorced. When his children declared they could not make that choice, he deserted the family. That is a kind of evil behavior can not be overlooked with mere politeness.
When in-laws do actually become out-laws, boundaries must be drawn to protect yourself, your spouse, and the family you are creating together. Decide together with your spouse how to respond as a united front when dealing with this kind of in-law behavior.
In the situation with my grandfather, my parents choose to stop all contact with him, but to pray every night for reconciliation. Finally, when gravely ill, he contacted his children and reconciliation occurred with two of his three children before he died.
Wisely, my parents choose to protect their marriage and their children from my grandfather's vengeful influence. However, they left the door open for him to resume the relationship if his behavior changed for the better.
What Do Your In-Laws Really Need?
Just in case you haven't noticed, Mother's Day and Father's Day are just around the corner. Perhaps what your in-laws really need from you is not another corsage or dress tie, but a better relationship.
So what can you do today to foster a better relationship with your in-laws? Plan a visit? Write them a short note of apology? Invite them out to for an adults-only dinner? Ask them to start recording the family history for their grandchildren to enjoy? Pray for them? Remember that how you choose to deal with your in-laws will be watched and cataloged by your own children. Then, when your children marry, what they witnessed may be lived out in their own marriages.
So start today to create a good relationship by praying for your children's future spouses and your relationship with them. After all, no one wants their future daugthers or sons-in-law to label them an "out-law."
Mary Steinke writes a popular newspaper column, speaks to women throughout the Midwest, and served as director of publishing for Hearts at Home. Before children, she worked in full-time ministry as a chaplain in such diverse settings as nursing homes and prisons. Mary resides in Normal, Illinois, with her husband, Harry, and three sons.
Originally published on April 17, 1999 in The Pantagraph.
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