Hearts at Home

It had been a long day in the laundry room. The meat loaf and potatoes were in the oven. Homework was in progress at the dining room table. With a little luck I might get in ten minutes of quiet and peace before dinner.

But there sitting on the floor right in front of the refrigerator, the four year old was trying to get the hang of tying her shoes.

Shoe tying is not something I recommend for quiet and peace. This time was no different.  It takes a lot of practice and patience for little fingers to master this skill, and the hour before dinner is the time of day when those things are in shortest supply.

Sometimes it is not enough to have dinner on the table and clean clothes in the drawer. Our families need more than nutritious meals and a tidy family room. Part of our skill set as wives and mothers is the art of encouragement. The ability to cheer up, to console, to affirm others is useful in family life. At one time or another everyone needs encouragement.

Husbands need encouragement when the reality of the routine sets in. They need to know we respect all they do, and that we appreciate who they are. We encourage them with the kind words of respect and appreciation we offer.  

Children need encouragement as they learn new skills, adjust attitudes, and make decisions that will affect their whole lives. They need to know we have confidence in them, that we believe they will succeed. We encourage them when we demonstrate faith and offer affirmation as we listen to their ideas and dreams. We encourage them when we support their efforts to learn and try new things.

As moms, we need encouragement, too. We need to turn off the critical voice in our head that tells us we will never get this job done, or that we are doing it poorly, or that whatever we try is doomed to failure.  

It is easy to underestimate the importance of encouragement, yet without it we are susceptible to a sense of frustration, futility, and failure.

Here are some ways to cultivate an attitude of encouragement in your family:

• Don't overschedule yourself or your family.  When you are tired from rushing from one thing to another, it is hard to summon up an encouraging attitude.
• When your husband or child tell you why they are discouraged, listen to what they are saying.  Don't jump in with a solution or help until you are sure they want one from you. Sometimes they simply need someone to listen kindly.
• Listen courteously and attentively, even if you are listening to what seem like crazy plans and wild ideas.  See if there is something in those plans or ideas that you can encourage; if not, your attention will affirm your respect for the other person.
• If you must say no, say it clearly and firmly, but gently. Don't use ridicule or criticism to discourage someone else.
• Set aside time when you help someone learn a new skill. Make an appointment if you have to! It is easier to be encouraging when you can focus on the task at hand without distraction.
• Don't indulge in complaining. It is much harder to have an encouraging attitude when you focus on what is going wrong.  When you find yourself complaining, shift your thinking to finding a solution for what is bothering you.
• Exercise patience. Like any exercise program, this can be hard at first, but you will find it easier as you persevere.
• When your husband or children encourage you (or each other) be sure to notice and thank them. Let them know how much it means to be on the receiving end of encouragement.
• Cultivate an attitude of appreciation in yourself and in your family. Be deliberate about recognizing and acknowledging each other's strengths and gifts.

Our encouraging words enable the people we love to try, to learn, and to accomplish incredible things--even learning to tie shoes at dinner time in front of the refrigerator. 

"The Art of Encouragement" was originally published on April 3, 2004, in The Pantagraph.